Through Line

Reject All Assholes

It recently occurred to me that there is a through line in my friend relationships. The people I enjoy to spend my limited, precious time among. Some are good friends, some recent acquaintances.

The through line is NOT about gender, socioeconomic status, race, none of that bullshit.

It’s about basic assholery.

Or more specifically a level of ego management – maybe conscious and a result of self-awareness, or maybe unconscious and based upon upbringing, where they were taught, basically, not to be an asshole.

My stop here in Novato, CA., in an RV Park that I previously noted was more of a place where working class people who can’t afford or find housing in Northern California live, made the through line very obvious. This park is mostly Mexican migrant workers and their families in beat up old RVs…additionally there are a few working-class white families.

I noticed that every night a group of guys, all Mexican, hang out outside the closed RV Park deli, sit in beat up old chairs, drink Budweiser and Modelo and chat quietly for a few hours. Tonight, I introduced myself to Manual (the leader), Anselmo (yes, he wonders why his folks named him Anselmo), Jimmy, Fermanand a kid named Mario.

Manual immediately welcomed me and made me comfortable. I got a recommendation for the best Mexican food in town (I take this deadly seriously) and despite some early skepticism from Anselmo, I was able to tell them about myself, ask them about themselves and ask them about the current situation with deportations and fear (they pretty much were going about their lives, but all had a level of anger and resentment). When I got up to leave, Manuel declared that I was “an official Mexican.” A compliment of the highest order.

Yesterday I met two working class white guys: Andrew, wearing a law enforcement ankle bracelet (that he claims is completely unjustified) and has two Chihuahuas and John, a water distribution guy who, on the side is a volunteer firefighter and, yes really, a “professional evil clown” (more on this later).

John (again, really):

The through line: I am an anomaly here. A privileged guy, staying here for a few weeks and leaving when I want to leave…I am in a half million-dollar travel trailer and they all know it (a gossip network is thriving here). Yet ALL of them welcomed me and made me feel comfortable. No assholes. Managed egos. My kind of people.

Since arriving in CA, I have spent time with new friends Matthew, Living Vehicle’s founder and his amazing partner Flo (a SCUBA instructor hailing from Belgium), Bill, a major musician (I assist him in his spirits business), Dave, an OG craft brewer, Kevin (a great USCG friend) and notably, Jeff and Dana – Jeff is a friend I met online and we wrote a few Substack essays together. This was our first meeting “In Real Life” and he immediately invited me to spend a weekend with he and Dana and their friends at their weekend place. There I met Rick and Kate. Equally incredible people who made me feel welcome and part of their group despite the reality that I am nothing more than a rando who found Jeff on the social media.

In fact, I, for the first time ever (as a lifelong nomad), felt sad leaving a place: Ormond Beach Florida where I had made some friends who I trust with my life. No small thing. Vince, Lani, Nick and Justin…can’t wait to see them when I get back to Florida.

This along with others (not all named here): Peter, my 7^th grade best friend with whom I have reconnected, Greg, who is ALWAYS there for me and has been for decades, Jessica, with a soul like mine and Andrea, my former spouse – and the person who knows me better than any human on the planet and will always have my back.

There are several others – if you are reading and you are one, you know it (apologies for not listing you) – you are part of the “through line”.

This through line has not always existed. In my “ladder climbing” days, I was nominally friends with lots of assholes. I’d be dishonest if I called these “friendships” anything other than what they were from my perspective: purely transactional. I either hoped to “get something” (a career advantage) OR I felt I had to associate with the asshole because I perceived the person to be in some sort of power position over me.

Thankfully, I have burned the fucking ladder. I have cast off ALL of the assholes. When I meet someone, I give them an opportunity, but I’ve been around long enough to detect assholery early. If I detect it – I am done with that person.

Time is now my most precious commodity (I wish I had learned this earlier – being finite, time has always been my most precious commodity) and I WILL not waste it on assholes. Social connection is the new Kale. Social connection, the evidence shows, contributes to longevity more than any other factor.

Assholes are the processed food of social relationships.

I am looking forward to the next Modelo with Manual and his friends.